1. Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.
2. Is your daddy a theif? Then who stole the sparkle of the stars and put them into your eyes?
3. Will you go out with me?.......... to McDonald's? +
4. Can I flirt with you?
5. Blonde, James Blonde... Jr. =
6. I looked up the word BEAUTIFUL in the thesaurus taday, and your name was included.
7. I've had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So...
would you please smile for me?
8. Hey, somebody farted. Lets get out of here!
9. You've got the whitest teeth I have ever seen!
10. Excuse me, but what pick up line works best for you?
11. Hi, what's a girl like you doing in a nice place like this?
12. Hi, can I buy you a car?
13. Excuse me, I seem to have lost my phone number, can I please borrow yours?
14. Do you have a boyfriend?
No?! Well do you want one?
Oh, you do? Well, when you want a MANfriend, come talk to me!
15. Can I have directions?... to your heart?
16. For a minute there I thought I had died and gone to heaven, but now I realize that I am very much alive, and that heaven has been brought to me.
17. Have you always been this cute, or did you have to work at it?
18. Hey, don't I know you? Yah, you're that girl with the beautiful smile!
19. You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women look really bad.
20. Hi, you're cute!
21. Hi, are you legal? No, your to hot to be legal.
22. I'm not drunk, I'm just intoxicated by you.
23. You know, girls like you give guys like me a reason to live.
24. Even the word Chicka-mama doesn't describe you! -
25. Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?
26. Nice socks, can I try them on? +
27. Can I carry your books?
28. Your father must be a drug dealer, cuz you dope!
29. Your father must be an alien, because there's nothing else like you on earth!
30. Your dad must be an awsome baker, because you have rad buns!
31. You know, if I could rearange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
32. Out of curiosity, were you born on a plane? cuz baby, you're FLY!
33. Hey, what are the chances of a guy like me, picking up a girl like you? +
34. Hi, do you dig guys who use cheesy pick up lines? +
35. Hi, will you reject me if I try and pick you up? +
36. I advise you to surrender imediately or I'll have to use a pick up line. -
37. If I had hand-cuffs, I'd lock myself to you right now! -
38. It's a good thing I brought my gloves today, other wise you'd be too hot to handle! -
39. Yesterday, I found this magic lamp and I asked the genie to let you to fall in love with me... did it work? -
40. Is your name Gellete? cuz your the best a man can get.
41. So I heard you got the hots for me!
42. Hey, I know you, yah, you're that girl in the supermarket looking for the jamacan banana! +
43. That's amazing! You're eyes are the exact same color as my porche!
44. Are you tired? cuz you've been running around in my mind all day!
45. I know milk does a body bood, but how much have you been drinking?!!!!!
46. Are those space pants? cuz your legs are out of this world!
47. It's a good thing I have my library card, because I'm checkin' you out!
48. Hey good lookin', what's cookin'?
49. See these arms? They are just dying to be wrapped around you! +
50. Reproducing, eh? Mind if I help? (ya kinda need to be at a copy maching for this one)
51. Do you mind if I stare at you up close, instead of from across the room?
52. Hey baby, got any cavities?
53. If I asked you...... would you marry me? +
54. I got a word for you in my secret language, it's Chicka-mama! -
55. I'll see you later, I have to pick up my new porche.
56. Are you a model? =
57. Do you want to come over? My mom wants to be the first one to meet the girl of my dreams! +
58. I'm a stud, not a dud! =
59. Hey, I'm writing a love letter to you, how exactly do you spell BEAUTIFUL? +
60. My heart combination is LOVE! =
61. Wanna get married in the temple? (you sort of have to be Mormons to use this one)
62. My pits say, you smell good! =
63. If it startd to rain, would you come under my unbrella? +
64. Hey, is it hot in here, or it that just you?
65. Am I hot or what?
66. You are beautiful in every language! +
67. If beauty were measured in seconds, you'd be an hour!
68. I thought I'd come over and say hello before you caught me staring.
69. Was it love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
70. So are you ever going to talk to me, or were you just going to continue to stare?
71. You have the academic look I just lust after.
72. You're cute! Mind if I use you so I can impress my friends?
73. Can I buy you a soda, or do you just want the money?
74. I've got a thirst baby, and you smell like my Gatoraid!
75. Nice boots, want a meaningful relationship?
76. What? Do you want one of us to come over there and bite you are something?
77. Hey, I'm bored. Entertain me and I'll buy you a root beer.
78. You look like the type of girl that has heard every line in the book, so what's one more?
79. Hi, the voices in my head tole me to come over and talk to you.
80. Hi, all my friend call me sheldon. +
81. Hey, I'm in a rock band! +
82. Hey honey, I got money!
83. Are you Sweadish? cuz you're the sweetish girl I've met!
- or - cuz you're the sweetish fish in the sea!
84. Excuse me, but you owe me a soda! cuz when i saw how beautiful you were, I dropped mine.
85. How are you? ["Fine"] Darn right you are.
86. My name is Peter Pan, cuz I can take you to Never Never Land.
87. I'm gonna follow you home.
88. You are a cruel thief, cuz you stole my heart!
89. If I followed you home, would you keep me?
90. Do you have a map? I just keep getting lost in your eyes.
91. Are you O.K.? because it's a long fall from heaven.
92. I'm sorry, I'm an artist and it's my job to stare at beautiful women!
93. Hey, I'm a professional wrestler, can I get ya in a headlock? Don't worry, I get paid to do this! +
94. I know I don't look like much now, but I'm drinking milk.
95. What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?
96. You must be from Tennassee! Because you are the only TEN I see!
97. Yo baby, gimme yo digits! +
98. You know what I think? I think that it is about time you stop ignoring me. Let's say we engage in a meaningless conversation... +
99. Hey, can you do me a HUGE favour!? Ask me on a date in front of my friend over there? +
100. Do you alway wear your shoes over your socks?
101. See my friend over there? (he waves sheepishly from afar) Well, he wants to know if you think I'm cute!
32 lines to get sugar
1. I bet you a dollar I can kiss you without touching you. (kiss) Here's your dollar.
2. Hey, what would you do if I kissed you right now?!!
3. Hey, normaly I charge girls when they kiss me, but for you I'll make an exeption. -
4. Kiss me if I'm wrong but haven't we met before?
5. Wanna get some pizza and KISS?... No!? you don't like pizza?!!
6. So hey, I hear you're a great kisser. +
7. Do you like peanut butter? Do you want to kiss?
8. Do you want to play spin the bottle? Come on! +
9. Did you know that kissing prolongs life? +
10. Doesn't this musick make you want to kiss? +
11. My friend bet me ten bucks you wouldn't kiss me, so lets say I give you half and you do.
12. Do you want to dance? No?! Then I guess kissing is out of the question, eh?
13. If I were elvis, would you kiss me?
14. Here's the deal, give me a kiss and if I don't like it, I swear I'll give you a full refund. +
15. If you kiss me, I promise to stop bugging you.
16. Hey baby, how about some kissing lessons? I'm a professional amateur! ^+
17. Yo mama, how about some lip wrestling? ^
18. Is it cold in here, or are you just afraid to kiss me? +
19. If I was the last man on Earth, I bet you would kiss me in public!
20. Hey, you wanna know what I heard about you? Kiss me and I'll tell you.
21. Hey, my lips can dance just as good as me! let's kiss! +
22. i'm usually better looking! give me a kiss and i'll turn into a prince!
23. hugs are for wusses, give me a kiss! +
24. i'll give you 10 bucks if you kiss me right now in front of my friend over there!
25. Do you believe in obeying the scriptures? read this... (2 corinthians 13:12) +
26. hey girls, each of you pick a number between 1 & 100. you win! (kiss the girl who's the hottest and run) +%
27. Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to kiss me?!?! I thought you knew???
28. Kiss me if I am wrong, but you want to go out with me, don't you...
29. Kiss me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name... ?
30. Hi, I'm not trying to pressure you, I don't want to kiss without mutual consent; but by the way, you have my consent, don’t worry!
31. My lips are registered weapons. Watch out, cuz your on my wanted list!
32. I am a magical being, I command you to kiss me. NOW! (stretch your arms out and wiggle your fingers)
Even More Pick Up Lines
1) Hello, you caught my attention but I'm in the middle of a conversation with an old friend of mine. Let me buy you a soda now, and I'll be back in a few minutes because I'd really like to meet you!
2) Hey baby, wanna wrestle? +
3) I'm not Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you like!
4) I'd walk a million miles to see one of your smiles.
5) Hey, if i wistled at you, would you stop and talk to me??? +
6) You can't be sisters! That's not fair to the rest of the family trees to have 2 peices of fruit as beautiful as you. +
7) Hey, how old do you think i am? +
8) Hey, can i write a song about you? I will call it, "to the love of my life... you are so beautiful!" +
9) Hey, can i butt into your personal life? +
10) Do you think i have a chance with you? +
11) Hey, what's your name? Wow! Did you know what the ancient greek translation for your name is? Your name means... "Godess of Beauty!" +
12) Did you want to go out with me, or do you just get a kick out of playing hard to get? +
13) Hey, my email address is: "sheldon@studly_and_available.com". +
14) Hey, can i buy you some flowers? +
15) Hey babalicious, are you chewable... i mean available? +
16) Are your hands cold? +
17) Wanna see my socks? +
18) Do you have even the slightest idea of how beautiful you are? +
19) Do you always have to look this good?! You are driving me bananas! +
20) I bit the last girl who turned "me" down! +
21) Why are you ignoring me? You haven't said a word to me all day! +
22) (Give them a flower) “I just wanted to show this flower how beautiful you are!”
23) Hey, my dentist says i have perfect theeth! (you need milk duds caught in your teeth for this one to work!) +
24) Who are you waiting for? ... are you sure you aren't waiting for me??? +
25) It's girls like you that make days like this, all the more beautiful! +
26) So uh, ... what um... are you, uh... doing on uhm... you know ... like on Saturday night?
27) Would you like to help me with my self esteem?
28) I am looking for someone with a good head on their shoulders. I just hate necks.
29) Excuse me, but ... would you like to see my collection of curly nose hairs?
30) Are you religious? Good, because I'm the answer to your prayers.
31) Are those space pants??? Because your buns are out of this world!
32) Do you want to dance? No? NO! i said you look fat in those pants!
33) Achoo! Sorry, i must be alergic to your good looks!
34) If beauty were a drop of water, you'd be an ocean!
35) Man, you sure are easy on the eyes!
36) You're walkin' like you want a boyfriend! so... want one?
37) Hey, open your mouth! i just want to see if you are as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside! +
38) do you have stars on your underwear? becuase your butt is out of this world!
39) Your good looks are lethal! you're killing me! +
40) Do you have a license to kill? becuase your good looks are killing me! +
41) Even if you were a cactus, i would still want to hug you! +
42) So hey, your friend told me you got the hots for me... i think she's right! +
43) Hey, here's the signals: thumbs up it's good, thumbs down it's bad. here's the plan: you stay right here, don't take off on me! i'm gonna go over there behind that bush, and when you see me pop my head out, give me the signal wether you would go on a date with me or not, k? see you soon! +
44) hey, wanna hold the preisthood?
45) i get so frustrated when hot chicks like you only look as far as the surface, cant you see my inner beauty??? +
46) i dont have time for long goodbyes... so here. (hug and run!)%
47) i dont have time for those lame cheezy pickuplines, so i'll just say your one hot mama! %+
48) quick call 9-11, ther's about to be a crime committed (hug and run) hug and run, hug and run! +
49) sorry for what i'm about to do. (hug and run)%
50) i hope you dont take any offence to this but... (hug and run)%
51) whats your name? oh thats nice, i'll probly never see you again, so... (hug and run)+%
52) pick a number between 1 and 101. (say the pick up line they choose) +
53) wanna see a magic trick? i can dissapear real fast, watch! close your eyes... (hug and run) +
54) hey wanna go on a date? (put a date on ground, pick her up in your arms [pick a hot chick, preferably skinny] and stand on the date.) how long do you want to be on this date for? +
55) ever since i was a kid, my mom has taught me the importance of household chores, the most useful chore she ever taught me was how to sweep. because now as i've gotten older... and wiser, i can now sweep girls off there feet! (pick up the girl but do not drop her) +
56) you're lucky good looks dont start fires, becuase you could burn down a forest! +
57) i'm gonna cry, quick, hold me! ha ha ha +
58) hey, i've got something for you (when they open there hand, hold it)
59) you are too pretty for words!
60) Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
61) Hey you're in my seat!
62) Do you have any raisins?'
"No I don't."
'You don't have any raisins? Well then, how about a date?'
63) I saw you at the party last weekend and you look kind of interesting. Let's meet sometime.
64) Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
65) Hey, if I wistled at you, would you stop and talk to me? +
66) Hey, lucky you... it’s National Hug Day! (hug and run) +
67) If you were a tear in my eye I would not cry for fear of losing you.
68) My lenses turn dark in the sunshine of your love!
69) So there you are! I've been looking all over for YOU, the girl of my dreams!
70) Stand still so I can pick you up!
71) Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?
72) Wouldn't we look cute on a wedding cake together?
73) [Grab her tush.] Pardon me, is this seat taken?
74) Your eyes are blue, like the ocean. And baby, I'm lost at sea
75) Your name must be Mickey because your so fine.
76) You're daddy must be a hunter because he sure caught a fox!
77) Can you say constantinople backwards? Me neither, but I just wanted to ask. (elponitnatsnoc)
78) Can you spell ICUP? “I-C-U-P” You saw me pee?!?!? (laugh profusely)
79) I am very, very lonely, and I was wonderin'...
80) would you like to help me with my self esteam?
81) would you go on a date with me sometime?
82) You are just truly absolutely beautiful!
83) If you were a booger I'd pick you first.
84) Your name is Sandra, huh? Can I call you Sandy? Really? what’s your phone number, and what time can I call? are you sure boys are allowed to call you???
85) Are my undies showing? "No." Would you like them to?
86) Hey, are you one of those chicks who goes out with guys right off the bat? 'Cause that's what I'm looking for.
87) Congratulations! You've been voted "Most Beautiful Girl In This Room" and the grand prize is a date with me!
88) Hey, I need your help! My mom says that if I don't get a date by tomorrow, she's putting me up for adoption! Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease...
89) Hey, check these out! (flex your bicepts) +
90) Your hands look cold. Do you want me to warm them up?
91) Girl, you so fine! I wish I could plant you and grow a hole field of you!
92) Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.
93) I think I can die happy now, ‘cause I've just seen a piece of heaven.
94) Baby, you're so sweet, you gonna put Hershey's outta business!
95) I just had to come talk with you. Sweetness is my weakness.
96) Is it hot in here or is it just you?
97) Nice to meet you, I'm Sheldon and you’re Gorgeous!
98) You make me melt like hot fudge on a sundae.
99) So, what do you do for a living besides making guys excited and warm all over?
100) Were your parents Greek Gods? 'cause it takes two Gods to make a Goddess!
101) What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?
102) What's that on your face? Oh, must just be beauty... Here, let me get it off. Hey, it's not coming off???
103) Ya know, you are really hot! You must be the real reason for global warming.
104) Excuse me, but you have a beep on your nose. “What?” (Reach up and gently squeeze her nose) BEEP!
105) Hi, my name is Sheldon, how do you like me so far?
106) Chicks dig me. I wear colored undywear.
107) Hey, wanna take me out for ice cream sometime??? +
108) Hey, you’re the cosine of an isosolece triangle and i’m a tangent on the same side of the transversal! +
109) i’m gonna put this blind fold on, ok? and now i’m gonna sing you a song, and if you are still standing (or sitting) there when i’m done singing and I take the blind fold off, then that means that either you like my singing, or else you think i’m a hot stud and you want a date with me. ok, here I go... today i’m gonna be singing, “someone’s in the kitchen with Dina” (3X). +
The Formation of Male / Female brains
Cell Migration Scientific Author Unknown
All babies start out with the same number of raw cells which, over nine months, develop into a complete female baby.
The problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead.
Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cells necessary to develop a male's reproductive organs have to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female.
Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the communications centre of the brain, migrate lower in the body and develop into male sexual organs.
If you visualize a normal brain to be similar to a full deck of cards, this means that males are born a few cards short, so to speak. And some of their cards are in their shorts.
This difference between the male and female brain manifests itself in various ways.
Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read.
Little boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over their heads and running into walls.
Little girls will think about doing things before taking any action.
Little boys will just punch or kick something and will look surprised if someone asks them why they just punched their little brother who was half asleep and looking the other way.
This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins. After puberty, not only the size of the male and female brains differs, but the centre of thought also differs
Women think with their heads.
Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells reside.
Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man.
In some men only a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking.
Such men are known in medical terms as "Accountants."
Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically referred to as "Engineers."
A small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration to their groins.
These men are usually referred to as.....
"Mr. President"
All babies start out with the same number of raw cells which, over nine months, develop into a complete female baby.
The problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead.
Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cells necessary to develop a male's reproductive organs have to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female.
Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the communications centre of the brain, migrate lower in the body and develop into male sexual organs.
If you visualize a normal brain to be similar to a full deck of cards, this means that males are born a few cards short, so to speak. And some of their cards are in their shorts.
This difference between the male and female brain manifests itself in various ways.
Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read.
Little boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over their heads and running into walls.
Little girls will think about doing things before taking any action.
Little boys will just punch or kick something and will look surprised if someone asks them why they just punched their little brother who was half asleep and looking the other way.
This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins. After puberty, not only the size of the male and female brains differs, but the centre of thought also differs
Women think with their heads.
Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells reside.
Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man.
In some men only a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking.
Such men are known in medical terms as "Accountants."
Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically referred to as "Engineers."
A small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration to their groins.
These men are usually referred to as.....
"Mr. President"
The Dictionary of Men's Sayings and What They Mean
"I'M GOING FISHING."
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a lake with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"IT'S A GUY THING."
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," or "YES, DEAR."
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN."
"I have no idea how it works or what I'm trying to explain."
"WE'RE GOING TO BE LATE."
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
"Are you still talking?"
"IT'S A REALLY GOOD MOVIE."
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS. I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"HEY I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
"What did you catch me at? Which time?"
"I HEARD YOU."
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
"No one will ever see us alive again."
BENEFITS OF BEING A WOMAN
* We got off the Titanic first.
* We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
* We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
* We can cry and get off speeding fines.
* We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
* Taxis stop for us.
* We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
* Free drinks, free dinners, free movies.
* New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
* No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
* We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
* If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
* We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her ass.
* We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
* We have the ability to dress ourselves.
* We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
* There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
* We'll never regret piercing our ears.
* We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a lake with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"IT'S A GUY THING."
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," or "YES, DEAR."
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN."
"I have no idea how it works or what I'm trying to explain."
"WE'RE GOING TO BE LATE."
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
"Are you still talking?"
"IT'S A REALLY GOOD MOVIE."
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS. I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"HEY I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
"What did you catch me at? Which time?"
"I HEARD YOU."
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
"No one will ever see us alive again."
BENEFITS OF BEING A WOMAN
* We got off the Titanic first.
* We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
* We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
* We can cry and get off speeding fines.
* We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
* Taxis stop for us.
* We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
* Free drinks, free dinners, free movies.
* New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
* No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
* We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
* If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
* We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her ass.
* We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
* We have the ability to dress ourselves.
* We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
* There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
* We'll never regret piercing our ears.
* We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes
DICTIONARY FOR ARGUING WITH WOMEN
1. “Fine”
This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can’t stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. (NEVER use “Fine” to describe how she looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.)
2. “Five minutes”
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so women feel that it’s an even trade.
3. “Nothing”
“Nothing” means something and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with the word “Fine.”
4. “Go Ahead” (with raised eyebrows)
This is NOT permission; it’s a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over “Nothing” and you’ll have a “Five-minute” discussion that will end with the word “Fine.”
5. “Go Ahead” (normal eyebrows)
This is NOT permission, either. It means, “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care.” You will get a raised eyebrow “Go Ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off.
6. “Loud Sigh”
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement.
Very frequently misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing.”
7. “Soft Sigh”
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. “Soft Sighs” are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.
8. “Oh”
This word-followed by any statement-is trouble. Example; “Oh, let me get that”. Or, “Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night.” If she says “Oh” before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit.
She will tell you that she is “Fine” when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days.
9. “That’s Okay”
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man.
“That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. “That’s Okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow “Go Ahead.” Once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.
10. “Please Do”
This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn’t get a “That’s Okay.”
11. “Thanks”
The woman is thanking you. Don’t faint and don’t look for hidden meaning. Just say, “you’re welcome.”
12. “Thanks A Lot”
Dramatically different from “Thanks.” A woman will say “Thanks A Lot” when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the “Loud Sigh.” This signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh,” as she will only tell you “Nothing.”
This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can’t stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. (NEVER use “Fine” to describe how she looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.)
2. “Five minutes”
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so women feel that it’s an even trade.
3. “Nothing”
“Nothing” means something and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with the word “Fine.”
4. “Go Ahead” (with raised eyebrows)
This is NOT permission; it’s a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over “Nothing” and you’ll have a “Five-minute” discussion that will end with the word “Fine.”
5. “Go Ahead” (normal eyebrows)
This is NOT permission, either. It means, “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care.” You will get a raised eyebrow “Go Ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off.
6. “Loud Sigh”
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement.
Very frequently misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing.”
7. “Soft Sigh”
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. “Soft Sighs” are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.
8. “Oh”
This word-followed by any statement-is trouble. Example; “Oh, let me get that”. Or, “Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night.” If she says “Oh” before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit.
She will tell you that she is “Fine” when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days.
9. “That’s Okay”
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man.
“That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. “That’s Okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow “Go Ahead.” Once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.
10. “Please Do”
This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn’t get a “That’s Okay.”
11. “Thanks”
The woman is thanking you. Don’t faint and don’t look for hidden meaning. Just say, “you’re welcome.”
12. “Thanks A Lot”
Dramatically different from “Thanks.” A woman will say “Thanks A Lot” when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the “Loud Sigh.” This signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh,” as she will only tell you “Nothing.”
Speach of Bill gates at a high school
Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.
Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!
Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3: You will NOT make $60, 000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.
Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one
Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!
Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3: You will NOT make $60, 000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.
Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one
True Friendship
"True" Friendship None of that Sissy Crap
Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound
good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a
series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will
see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card- just the stone cold
truth of our great friendship.
1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge
against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how
much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well
again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask;
"because you are my friend".
Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because
you can only think of 4.
Read this good Thought
F A M I L Y
I ran into a stranger as he passed by,
"Oh excuse me please" was my reply.
He said, "Please excuse me too;
I wasn't watching for you."
We were very polite, this stranger and I.
We went on our way and we said goodbye.
But at home a different story is told,
How we treat our loved ones, young and old.
Later that day, cooking the evening meal,
My son stood beside me very still.
When I turned, I nearly knocked him down.
"Move out of the way," I said with a frown.
He walked away, his little heart broken.
I didn't realize how harshly I'd spoken.
While I lay awake in bed,
God's still small voice came to me and said,
"While dealing with a stranger,
common courtesy you use,
but the family you love, you seem to abuse.
Go and look on the kitchen floor,
You'll find some flowers there by the door.
Those are the flowers he brought for you.
He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue.
He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise,
you never saw the tears that filled his little eyes."
By this time, I felt very small,
And now my tears began to fall.
I quietly went and knelt by his bed;
"Wake up, little one, wake up," I said.
"Are these the flowers you picked for me?"
He smiled, "I found 'em, out by the tree.
I picked 'em because they're pretty like you.
I knew you'd like 'em, especially the blue."
I said, "Son, I'm very sorry for the way I acted today;
I shouldn't have yelled at you that way."
He said, "Oh, Mom, that's okay.
I love you anyway."
I said, "Son, I love you too,
and I do like the flowers, especially the blue."
FAMILY
Are you aware that if we died tomorrow, the company
that we are working for could easily replace us in
a matter of days.
But the family we left behind will feel the loss
for the rest of their lives.
And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more
into work than into our own family,
an unwise investment indeed,
don't you think?
So what is behind the story?
Do you know what the word FAMILY means?
FAMILY = (F)ATHER (A)ND (M)OTHER (I) (L)OVE (Y)OU
I ran into a stranger as he passed by,
"Oh excuse me please" was my reply.
He said, "Please excuse me too;
I wasn't watching for you."
We were very polite, this stranger and I.
We went on our way and we said goodbye.
But at home a different story is told,
How we treat our loved ones, young and old.
Later that day, cooking the evening meal,
My son stood beside me very still.
When I turned, I nearly knocked him down.
"Move out of the way," I said with a frown.
He walked away, his little heart broken.
I didn't realize how harshly I'd spoken.
While I lay awake in bed,
God's still small voice came to me and said,
"While dealing with a stranger,
common courtesy you use,
but the family you love, you seem to abuse.
Go and look on the kitchen floor,
You'll find some flowers there by the door.
Those are the flowers he brought for you.
He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue.
He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise,
you never saw the tears that filled his little eyes."
By this time, I felt very small,
And now my tears began to fall.
I quietly went and knelt by his bed;
"Wake up, little one, wake up," I said.
"Are these the flowers you picked for me?"
He smiled, "I found 'em, out by the tree.
I picked 'em because they're pretty like you.
I knew you'd like 'em, especially the blue."
I said, "Son, I'm very sorry for the way I acted today;
I shouldn't have yelled at you that way."
He said, "Oh, Mom, that's okay.
I love you anyway."
I said, "Son, I love you too,
and I do like the flowers, especially the blue."
FAMILY
Are you aware that if we died tomorrow, the company
that we are working for could easily replace us in
a matter of days.
But the family we left behind will feel the loss
for the rest of their lives.
And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more
into work than into our own family,
an unwise investment indeed,
don't you think?
So what is behind the story?
Do you know what the word FAMILY means?
FAMILY = (F)ATHER (A)ND (M)OTHER (I) (L)OVE (Y)OU
NEW APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: THIS APPLICATION WILL BE INCOMPLETE AND REJECTED UNLESS ACCOMPANIED BY A COMPLETE FINANCIAL STATEMENT, WORK HISTORY, LINEAGE, AND CURRENT MEDICAL REPORT FROM YOUR DOCTOR.
1. NAME_________________________________
DATE OF BIRTH___/___/___
2.HEIGHT__________________WEIGHT___________IQ______GPA_______
3. SOCIAL SECURITY#______________DRIVERS LIC#_______________
4. BOY SCOUT RANK___________________________
5. HOME ADDRESS______________CITY/STATE_______________ZIP_______
6. DO YOU HAVE ONE MALE AND ONE FEMALE PARENT?_______________
IF NO, PLEASE EXPLAIN___________________________________
7. NUMBER OF YEARS PARENTS MARRIED?____________________
8. DO YOU OWN A VAN?________________MOTORCYCLE?______________
TRUCK WITH OVERSIZED TIRES?___________WATERBED?____________
DO YOU HAVE AN EARRING?____NOSE RING?____BELLY BUTTON RING__
9. IN 50 WORDS OR LESS, WHAT DOES DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER MEANS TO YOU?__________________________________________________
10. IN 50 WORDS OR LESS, WHAT DOES LATE MEAN TO YOU?________________________________________________________
11. IN 50 WORDS OR LESS, WHAT DOES ABSTINENCE MEAN TO YOU?__________________________________________
12. CHURCH YOU ATTEND?________________________
13. WHEN WOULD BE THE BEST TIME TO INTERVIEW YOUR FATHER?_________MOTHER?___________PRIEST?__________
14. ANSWER BY FILLING IN THE BLANK. PLEASE ANSWER FREELY, ALL ANSWERS ARE CONFIDENTIAL (THAT MEANS I WON'T TELL ANYONE)
A. IF I WERE SHOT, THE LAST PLACE ON MY BODY I WOULD WANT WOUNDED IS THE ________________
B. IF I WERE BEATEN, THE LAST PLACE I WOULD WANT BROKEN IS MY _____________
C. A WOMAN'S PLACE IS IN THE ______________
D.. THE ONE THING I HOPE THIS APPLICATION DOESN'T ASK IS _________
E. WHEN I FIRST MEET A GIRL, THE THING I NOTICE FIRST IS HER ________
(NOTE: IF THE ANSWERS STARTS WITH A T OR AN A, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES, KEEPING LOW AND RUNNING IN A SERPENTINE FASHION IS ADVISED.)
15. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE IF YOU GROW UP?________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL OF THE INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICA AN TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION,ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
_________________________________
SIGNATURE (THAT MEANS YOU SIGN YOUR NAME)
THANK YOU FOR YOUR INTEREST. PLEASE ALLOW FOUR TO SIX YEARS FOR PROCESSING. YOU WILL BE NOTIFIED IN WRITING IF YOU ARE APPROVED. PLEASE DO NOT CALL OR WRITE (AS IT WILL CAUSE YOU INJURY)
NOTE: THIS APPLICATION WILL BE INCOMPLETE AND REJECTED UNLESS ACCOMPANIED BY A COMPLETE FINANCIAL STATEMENT, WORK HISTORY, LINEAGE, AND CURRENT MEDICAL REPORT FROM YOUR DOCTOR.
1. NAME_________________________________
DATE OF BIRTH___/___/___
2.HEIGHT__________________WEIGHT___________IQ______GPA_______
3. SOCIAL SECURITY#______________DRIVERS LIC#_______________
4. BOY SCOUT RANK___________________________
5. HOME ADDRESS______________CITY/STATE_______________ZIP_______
6. DO YOU HAVE ONE MALE AND ONE FEMALE PARENT?_______________
IF NO, PLEASE EXPLAIN___________________________________
7. NUMBER OF YEARS PARENTS MARRIED?____________________
8. DO YOU OWN A VAN?________________MOTORCYCLE?______________
TRUCK WITH OVERSIZED TIRES?___________WATERBED?____________
DO YOU HAVE AN EARRING?____NOSE RING?____BELLY BUTTON RING__
9. IN 50 WORDS OR LESS, WHAT DOES DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER MEANS TO YOU?__________________________________________________
10. IN 50 WORDS OR LESS, WHAT DOES LATE MEAN TO YOU?________________________________________________________
11. IN 50 WORDS OR LESS, WHAT DOES ABSTINENCE MEAN TO YOU?__________________________________________
12. CHURCH YOU ATTEND?________________________
13. WHEN WOULD BE THE BEST TIME TO INTERVIEW YOUR FATHER?_________MOTHER?___________PRIEST?__________
14. ANSWER BY FILLING IN THE BLANK. PLEASE ANSWER FREELY, ALL ANSWERS ARE CONFIDENTIAL (THAT MEANS I WON'T TELL ANYONE)
A. IF I WERE SHOT, THE LAST PLACE ON MY BODY I WOULD WANT WOUNDED IS THE ________________
B. IF I WERE BEATEN, THE LAST PLACE I WOULD WANT BROKEN IS MY _____________
C. A WOMAN'S PLACE IS IN THE ______________
D.. THE ONE THING I HOPE THIS APPLICATION DOESN'T ASK IS _________
E. WHEN I FIRST MEET A GIRL, THE THING I NOTICE FIRST IS HER ________
(NOTE: IF THE ANSWERS STARTS WITH A T OR AN A, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES, KEEPING LOW AND RUNNING IN A SERPENTINE FASHION IS ADVISED.)
15. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE IF YOU GROW UP?________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL OF THE INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICA AN TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION,ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
_________________________________
SIGNATURE (THAT MEANS YOU SIGN YOUR NAME)
THANK YOU FOR YOUR INTEREST. PLEASE ALLOW FOUR TO SIX YEARS FOR PROCESSING. YOU WILL BE NOTIFIED IN WRITING IF YOU ARE APPROVED. PLEASE DO NOT CALL OR WRITE (AS IT WILL CAUSE YOU INJURY)
Top 25 Signs That You Have Grown Up
Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
You watch the Weather Channel.
Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door
won't turn down the stereo.
Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
You take naps from noon to 6 PM
Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,
rather than settle, your stomach.
If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid,
not condoms and pregnancy tests.
A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
"I just can't drink the way I used to"
replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to
you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.
Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
You watch the Weather Channel.
Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door
won't turn down the stereo.
Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
You take naps from noon to 6 PM
Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,
rather than settle, your stomach.
If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid,
not condoms and pregnancy tests.
A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
"I just can't drink the way I used to"
replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to
you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.
The Hilarious Signs
Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose!"
On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the
right place."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose!"
On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the
right place."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
I READ THIS... WHENEVER I FEEL PARTICULARLY STUPID,
1. Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.” * Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
2. ”Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.” * Mariah Carey
3. ”Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can’t remember what they are.” * Matt Lauer on NBC’s Today show, August 22
4. “I haven’t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law” * David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
5. “Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.” * Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign
6. “I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.” * Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
7. “Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.”* Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
8. “They’re multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off.” * Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.
9. “We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.” * Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
10. “I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.” * Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
11. “China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.” *Former French President Charles De Gaulle
12. “That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it.” * A congressional candidate in Texas
13. “The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet.” *Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars.
14. “When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame.
Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.” *Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots.
15. “I don’t feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves.” * John Wayne
16. “Half this game is ninety percent mental.” * Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
17. “It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.” * Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
18. “Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.” * General William Westmoreland
19. “What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.” * Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. (He was attempting to quote the line”a mind is a terrible thing to waste”.)
20. “If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet.” * Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin
21. “I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.” *Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
22. “After a short commercial break, I’ll introduce you to Kansas City’s latest murder victim.” *WDAF-TV news anchor
Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.” * Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
2. ”Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.” * Mariah Carey
3. ”Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can’t remember what they are.” * Matt Lauer on NBC’s Today show, August 22
4. “I haven’t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law” * David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
5. “Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.” * Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign
6. “I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.” * Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
7. “Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.”* Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
8. “They’re multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off.” * Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.
9. “We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.” * Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
10. “I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.” * Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
11. “China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.” *Former French President Charles De Gaulle
12. “That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it.” * A congressional candidate in Texas
13. “The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet.” *Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars.
14. “When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame.
Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.” *Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots.
15. “I don’t feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves.” * John Wayne
16. “Half this game is ninety percent mental.” * Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
17. “It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.” * Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
18. “Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.” * General William Westmoreland
19. “What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.” * Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. (He was attempting to quote the line”a mind is a terrible thing to waste”.)
20. “If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet.” * Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin
21. “I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.” *Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
22. “After a short commercial break, I’ll introduce you to Kansas City’s latest murder victim.” *WDAF-TV news anchor
Angry Dragon
Immediately after you blow your load in a girls mouth, smack the back of her head and make it come out her nose. When she gets up she'll look like an angry dragon.
Arabian Goggles
A "seldom-seen" maneuver when you put your testicles over her eye sockets while getting head. (Picture it: ass on forehead) It may be anatomically impossible, but what the fuck else is new.
The Bait N' Tackle
This one was used by the sailors from the old Navy days. Before you go off for a long, lonely voyage, get yourself a tall jar and fill it completely with earthworms. When you get lonely, open the jar and fuck away. The earthworms will provide some slithery stimulation, and your protein load will keep them nicely nourished. Gone fishin'!
Ballsacking
Takes some luck of the gene pool, but if you're able to do it, always great fun. While you are straddling her, take your nutsack and spread it out over her face like pizza dough.
Bear Claw
A synonym for extremely large pussy lips.
Beef Curtain
The shanked out remains of the labia after being stretched like Play-Doh from an hour or so of jimmy-jam.
Beer Dick
This is what most guys get after a good night of drinking. They tend to fuck anything with a pussy while experiencing beer dick.
Blumpy
You need to find a real tramp to do this right. It involves having her sucking you off while you are on the shitter.
The Bronco
You start by going doggy style and then just when she is really enjoying it, you grab her tits as tight as possible and yell another girls name. This gives you the feeling of riding a wild bronco as she desperately tries to buck you off.
Brown Baggin It
Sometimes you meet a girl with a body like there's no tomorrow but a face like a mangy dog. Don't let that body go to waste and let her hideousness stop you from fucking her though. Just draw the smiley face on a brown paper bag, place it over her head, and fuck away while keeping your composure and piece of mind.
Brown Necktie
You're about half-way through ass-wrecking a chick, and instead of filling up her keister with your demonseed, you pull out and proceed to tittie fuck her, leaving a brown streak between the funbags.
Brunski
When a man puts his face between a woman's breasts and quickly moves his head back and forth while saying "Brunski" in a very drawn out and exaggerated manner. (There are many other variant names.)
The Bullwinkle
The sign given to a friend in hiding while doggie stylin' some chick. It is performed by placing both hands over the head, with palms facing out and waving wildly. Can be supplemented by shouting "Hey Rocky." (Make sure to use appropriate Bullwinkle voice tone.)
Butter Face
When you see a chick with an awesome body, "but her face", is nasty.
The Canine Special
Liberally apply peanut butter to your dick and call over the family dog. Lick Ubu lick. Good Dog. Arf!
The Carpet Cleaner
While banging a girl doggy style, tie her arms behind her back, lift up her hips, and run around the room pushing her face first across the carpet. Not recommended with large women.
The Chili Dog
When you take a hot dump on a girl's tits and then proceed to titty fuck her.
Chocolate Pizza
Happily discovering hemroids while eating a shitty brown eye.
Cleveland Steamer
The act of leaving a shit stain on the rib cage of a woman while receiving penile pleasure from friction between the mammaries.
Cock-Stuffing
Apparently somewhat on the fringe in gay circles, but involves using thin, cylindrical items (thermometers, wire, rubber worms, etc.), and inserting them into the dick hole. Over many months, continue to gradually reem out the hole-at-the-head with larger items, thus ultimately allowing your "buddy" to obtain the goal of fucking your uretha. Wow!
Cold Lunch
The act of vomiting directly onto some chick's head while she's performing fellatio.
The Concoction
First, ejaculate all over the floor. Next, have your psycho bitch girlfriend menstruate on your semen. Stir it with your finger until you get a nice thick pink mixture. Proceed to paint yourselves up silly, just as if you were in kindergarden again.
The Compton Gangbang
You meet a young lady at the bar. She tells you she has a boyfriend, but she ends up going home with you anyway for a one night stand. When you take her to your place, tell your friends to wait outside your bedroom door. Just when she's about to get off, your friends barge in the room and plainly beat the shit out of her. That should teach her not to fuck around. (Ladies, feel free to perform a Compton Gangbang on guys too. I know you got some fat girlfriends to help you out.)
Cop's Delight
The act of taking a girl in the ass, pulling out, and spooing all over her "pastry buns", thus transforming her rump into the allusion of an oversized, quivering glazed donut.
The Corkscrew
Cross your fingers, middle over index. Twist your wrist back and forth and go to work on your desired orifice. With practice, you'll have the effectiveness of a dill press and within weeks you'll be able to bore through wood.
Corn
Originating from the fine campus of Cornell University, comes this unique, rarely used term. Saying that a girl is "Corn" means, she is so fucking hot, so beautiful, so utterly drop-dead gorgeous, that you would happliy eat the corn out of her shit. Can be used as a great pick-up line or friendly compliment, for instance; "Baby, you're more Corn than Green Giant", or "Damn bitch, you are Corn!"
Couch Bombing
When you fill a small ziploc sandwich bag with Crisco (or your favorite lubrication) and place it between the cushions on the couch. You then proceed to fuck the couch as if it were a woman...but no need to buy it dinner first
Coyote
This occurs when you wake up in the room of a nasty wombat and you know you've got to give her the slip. However, you realize that your arm is wrapped around her. Therefore you must gnaw off your own arm to get out of the situation. Can be very painful.
Cum Dumpster
A quadriplegic whore.
Cum Guzzling Sperm Burping Bitch
The once in a lifetime act when blowing a hot steamy load down the back of the girl's throat, proceed to give her a large cold bottle of your most favorite carbonated drink and make her guzzle it down. Then, shake her head vigorously back and forth to create the Cum Guzzling, Sperm Burping effect. A great way to impress your friends.
Daisy Chain
Partner (A) is sucking off or eating out partner (B) who is sucking off or eating out partner (C) and so on until the final person is sucking off or eating out partner (A). Partners can be gay, lesbian or straight.
Davey Crockett
A sexual maneuver in which you slip muscle relaxants into your gal's snizzpod, then slide your head in, thus wearing your partner's now-relaxed snatch-fur as a coonskin cap. Can come in handy on those cold winter nights.
Dirty Sanchez
A time honored event in which while laying the bone doggie style, you insert your finger into her asshole. You then pull it out and wipe it across her upper lip leaving a thin shit mustache. This makes her look like someone whose name is Dirty Sanchez.
Dirty Swirly
While banging a chick doggie style near a toilet (preferably one filled with a healthy load of shit, or some hot piss, or both), stick her head in the toilet and flush...she'll dig it.
Dog In A Bathtub
This is a proper name for when you attempt to insert your nuts into a girl's ass. It is so named because it can be just as hard as keeping a dog in the tub while giving it a bath.
Donkey Punch
Banging a girl doggy style and then moments before you cum, you stick your dick in her ass, and then punch her in the back of the neck. The blow to the neck will stun the muscles in the female's ass, which will constrict the penis and give you a tremendous orgasmic experience when you ejaculate.
Duct Tape Trick
Wrapping a hamster in duct tape so you can safely fuck it without the danger of a messy split.
Dutch Oven
Entrapping an unsuspecting sleeping partner in a world of ass odor by farting under the covers and pulling them over her head (and yours as well if you're into that sort of thing).
Dutch Treat
The unexpected result of a Dutch Oven gone terribly awry. Can be very messy.
DVDA
The abbreviation for "double-anal, double-vaginal". This is the term used when a girl takes four cocks in two holes. A hard core porn industry norm.
The Electric Chair
Your psychobitch girlfriend decides she wants to try something kinky, so she props your stupid naive ass up in a chair, strips you down, and ties you up. After arousing you, she then takes a car battery and clamps two jumper cables to each nut sack. This causes you to have all sorts of synapses, spasms, and convulsions. She then mounts your frankenstein and proceeds to get electrofucked. Warning! May cause erectile disfunction after performed.
Felching
A gay activity which I do not condone at all. It happens when one fag fucks another fag in the ass and then sucks the jizz out with a straw. Only included for those of you who are considering going to jail.
The Fish Eye
From behind, you shove both fists in her ass (or his if in prison). Thereupon she turns around in a one-eyed winking motion signaling that she has been there and done that.
Fish-Hook
When you pull back towards the pussy after you stick your finger up her anus.
The Fire Island
This consists of telling someone you're going to spunk on their face while they are asleep, only half-jokingly, and then when they don't believe you, doing it just to prove that you're that demented.
Flaming Amazon
This one's for all you pyromaniacs out there. When your screwing some chick, right when your about to cum, you pull out and quickly grab the nearest lighter and set her pubes on fire, then...extinguish the flames with your jizz!
Flooding The Cave
Inserting the penis into a woman's pussy and then urinating inside her. Applies to butt pirates as well.
The Flying Camel
A personal favorite. As she is lying on her back and you are hammering her from your knees. You very carefully move forward and prop yourself (without using your arms) on your dick while it is still inserted in her vagina. You then proceed to flap your arms and let out a long shrieking howl much like a flying camel. Strictly a classy move.
The Flying Dutchman
This didn't used to be a specific deviant sexual act, it was just a phrase that sounded dirty and would be shouted out during intercourse on occasion simply for the novelty factor. However, its popularity increased and it has now developed into a specific act, namely that of, just as you are about to blow a load, in any sort of sexual situation (even masturbation for those true pioneers who are constantly on the cutting edge of the sexual revolution) you begin to shout, "Here comes the Flying Dutchman!" This should confuse your sexual partner (or whoever is in hearing range) completely, sometimes causing interesting side-effects.
The Fountain Of You
While sitting on her face and having her eat your ass, jerk off like a madman. Build up as much pressure as possible before you release and spew like a venerable geyser all over her face, neck and tits. (Better in her bed
Furr Ball
You're chomping away at some mighty trollop who has a mane between her legs the size of Lionel Richie's afro, a mammoth hair ball gets lodged into your throat.
Gobstopper
With two hands, spread your tramp's anus open, then spit a big-ass loogie down the arsehole then close it back up. You can give her a smack on the ass when you're done, if you want.
Golden Shower
Any form of dropping piss all over your partner. Great for those who like watersports.
Greek
The act of using your "glue stick" (if you know what I'm saying) and gluing your gal's eyes closed with your man seed. e.g. "Hey guys, check it out, I just greeked her!" or "Sorry honey, but you asked for the greek salad
Ham And Cheese Sandwich
Eating a woman's box after you ejaculate all over it. A delightful, tasty combination of her yummy meat curtains with your added cheesy topping is sure to appeal to anyone's appetite.
Hershey Highway
When pluggin your girl in the ass, you run into some hot diarrhea. Don't hurt her feelings by getting grossed out though, just pretend it's extra lube.
High Dive
The skill of pulling your johnson all the way out of your partner's hole, and in one motion jamming it home again. Best suited for use in the corn hole, but can be very dangerous.
The Hindenburg
When some slut who is so bad at oral sex, you're forced to cry "Oh! The humanity!" as her teeth scrape your mantool.
Hogging
While intoxicated, high, or just plain deperate, you go searching for the fattest bitch you can find and proceed to ride her like a Harley. Best accomplished with large groups friends.
Hole In One
The act of sticking your dick in your own ass. Just try not to get a huge boner once it's in, or you'll get a nice snapparoo.
Hotdog In A Hallway
When laying the pipe, you realize your dick isn't even touching the walls of her vagina, kinda like tossing a hotdog in a hallway. Most frequently happens when banging the neighborhood trick or if you're slinging a small dick.
Hot Karl
The act in which a woman sucks the cock of the same man who moments earlier was balls deep in her can.
Hot Karl Candy Cane
A variation of the above in which the man who is receiving the oral cock cleaning gives the woman a reach around.
Hot Lunch
The result of defecating a tube of shit directly into a girl's mouth.
Hummer
The well known added variation to a blow job in which a broad hums her favorite tune while she sucks away. The vibrations felt against your dick will most definitely produce a healthy orgasm.
The Hunter Gatherer
You and your partner defecate while 69ing. Pretty much self-explanatory.
The Indian Cock Burn
While a chick sucks you off, she twists her hand around your shaft as if she was trying to give you an indian burn.
The Jedi Mind Trick
When banging your partner, you repeatedly shout "I'm NOT fucking you, I'm NOT fucking you".
The Jelly Donut
Give some skank a facial and follow it up with a swift pimp crack in the nose. The resulting blood and jizz that covers her face bears a resemblance to a jelly donut.
The Juanita Special Bean Dip
While your tramp rides you like a mechincal bull, insert your thumb into her poop chute (be sure to get your thumb nice and gooey), then stick your brown thumb into her mouth, and slip it under her tounge so she can get the full robust taste of the Juanita "special" bean dip.
Kennebunkport Surprise
The act of covertly filling your cheeks with chunky-style New England clam chowder, and screaming in disgust as you hurl it between your partners legs while eating her out.
Kick-Fucking
The act of recieving sexual pleasure from repeatedly getting kicked in the ass.
The Landshark
The woman braces herself facing a wall, naked, hands against the wall, legs spread, bent over so that her ass is lusciously jutting out. (hint: She might want to wear a biking helmet and some rollerblading wrist guards to avoid serious injury.) Next, the guy also naked as well as stiff cocked, walks to the opposite end of the room, places his palms together and raises them above his head, (thus imitating the dorsal fin of a shark) and begins chanting the theme to JAWS. When given some predetermined signal, the guy sprints toward the girl at full speed with his pelvis-out, fin protruding, and rams her dead square in the ass.
The Lorena Bobbit
Obviously, this one is for the ladies. When engaging in some hard core boodie sex, squeeze your butt cheeks together as tight as you can, and start violently jumping and thrashing your ass around, in an effort to rip his dick off. (To reach true Lorena status, you must take the severed dick for a drive and then toss it out the window.)
The Menthol
The act of getting head from a woman who just moments earlier ate a numerous amounts of cough drops, thus insuring a pleasureable, tingly feeling on your cock.
The Mellon Dive
Headbutting a woman's big fat tities. Always lots of fun.
Monkey Wrench
When some sadistic bitch takes your dick back between your legs and sucks you off.
Monroe Transfer
When you and your partner connect each other's assholes with a tube. One defecates through the tube, thus transferring the turds to the rectum of the other.
The Moped
A chick thats a fun ride until your friends see you on it, if you know what I mean.
Morking
Made famous by Robin Williams on Mork & Mindy, stick your pinky and ring fingers up a girls ass, then jam your middle and index fingers up her cunt. (Please note: Not complete until you finish it off with a Nanoo-Nanoo!)
Moses
A man who enjoys going down on a woman during her period. Derived from the Biblical figure Moses, who parted the Red Sea.
The Motorboat
While performing oral sex on a girl, flap your lips together on her clit, thus imitating the sound of a motorboat. She'll love you forever.
Muff Teaser
Finger, suck, eat, etc. a girl until she is begging for it. Then rub your stiffy round her golden valley until she screams at you to give her a banging. Right when her frustration is at its highest level, stop and finish with a DIY(do it yourself) handjob. Then leave the room without saying a word. Not to be tried if you want to shack up with the selfish bint again.
The Mung
Obtain a female that has been dead for 2-3 days (the time period since death is important). Then place your mouth just outside her vaginal opening. Have a friend jump on her stomach, and try to catch as much stuff that comes out as you can in your mouth.
Mushy Biscuit
This is actually a very fun game. Just choose a piece of food that you and your male friends like to eat. Then you and your buddies form a tight circle around the food item and proceed to jerk off all over it. Last one to bust a nut gets the prize of eating the food.
New Jersey Meat-Hook
The unusual method of inserting one's finger in the ass of your partner while screwing her, and feeling her cervix. This procedure is most effective from behind.
New York Style Taco
Anytime when you are so drunk that when you go down, you barf on her box. Happy trails.
The Nixon
A variation of the Bullwinkle in which you give two peace signs as your signal of dominance. May enhance the act by shaking jowls and yelling "I'm not a crook". This is considered very bold and is frowned upon for those with a modicum of decorum.
Oyster
A derivation of the tea bag which is accomplished by numbing one's testicles with ice and then inserting them in a chicks mouth and letting the tramp munch on them.
Pasadena Mudslide
This happens when you leave a windy shit between the breasts of a woman while you straddle her neck for a blow job. (A close cousin to the Cleveland Steamer.)
Pattycake
While you're nailing some girl doggie style and your friend is catching some head off the same girl, you get a quick game of pattycake going. This makes you reminisce of your childhood memories and eases the sight of watching your friend blow his load.
Paying The Rent
A position in which the woman is folded in half, knees above shoulders, while the man holds the balk of her calves and bangs ferociously.
Peanut Butter And Jelly Sandwich
Shit on a woman's snatch during menstruation. Proceed to munch. Mmmm Mmmm Nasty! (Crunchy or smooth...depending on what you've been eating.)
Pearl Necklace
Well known. Whenever you cum on the neck/cleavage area of a girl - it takes on the look of beautiful jewelry. Fuck that diamonds are forever shit.
The Pig Roast
While you're pluggin some girl's hole doggie style, (up the dirt road or the funhole, pick your poison) she's blowing your best friend's cock at the same time, hence simulating a pig on a spit. Very Similar to Chinese Finger Cuffs.
Pink Glove
Hate when this happens. Every so often a girl is not wet enough during sex. When you finally pull out to give her money, the inside of her twat sticks to your hog. Thus, the pink glove.
The Pirate's Treasure
While fucking your girl in the ass, you strike a hefty load of shit. After you've found this buried treasure deep in her booty, you scream, "Argh!", like a pirate.
Plating
Take a clear, glass plate and place it on your partners face, then shit on it. It gives them a nice view without all the messy cleanup. How come you don't see that on any Dawn commercials.
The Popcorn Trick
First, take your girlfriend to the cinemas, for a nice romantic date. Buy a tub of popcorn, wait until the lights dim, and carefully make a hole in the bottom on the tub. Then, inconspicuously insert your penis through the bottom of the tub into the popcorn and casually offer some to your bitch. When she digs in, she will find nice surprise. Who doesn't love buttered popcorn?
Puerto Rican Fog Bank
While 69ing with your partner, release a cloud of sphinctor fog directly into her nostrils.
Purple Mushroom
This occurs when a woman is giving you oral sex and you withdraw your penis in order to poke it back into her cheek. It should leave a lasting impression similar to a purple mushroom.
Queef
A well known, but sometimes embarassing occurance. Queefing happens when air gets trapped in a girls vagina, and makes a soft hissing, or farting kind of a sound while that air is released.
The Ram
When attacking from behind, you start ramming her head against the wall in a rhythmic motion. The force of the wall should allow for deeper penetration. Very handy in those lulls in penile sensitivity.
Rear Admiral
An absolute blast. When getting a chick from behind (while both partners standing), make sure you don't let her grab on to anything when she is bent over. Then, drive you hips into her backside so that you end up pushing her forwards. The goal is to push her into a wall or table. It's almost as much fun watch her face hit the floor. You rise to Admiral status when you can bang her around the room without crashing into anything and not using your hands to grab onto her hips
Red Wings
Another name for navigating the moose knuckle with your tongue while discovering the girl is on her rag. Be a real man and earn your red wings soldier!
Resusitation
When a girl is asleep, carefully open her mouth so that she doesn't awake. Then, squat over her face and carefully place your shit hole on her lips. When the time is right, you let rip the biggest baddest fart ever known to man andsee if it wakes her up. Great fun during those long sleepless nights.
The Roddy Piper
When getting your girl from behind, you toss the sleeper hold on her and knock her out a'la Rowdy Roddy Piper. While nailing your unconscious victim, you get to simulate your life long dream of necrophilia. Now you never have to break into the morgue again.
The Rodeo
Similar to the Bronco. You start once again, banging a chick from behind. At a pre-arranged time you grab her hair with one hand just as several buddies bust into the room. See if you can hang on for 8 seconds cowboy. Yee Haw!
The Rose Creeper
Seductively brush a beautiful longstem red rose against your sweethearts neck, breasts, and inner thigh. Slowly rub the rose along her smooth skin as you tenderly kiss her entire body. After working her into the mood for some deep love making, unzip your fly and pull out your raging boner. Begin to punish-fuck her dumper while whipping her with the rose and screaming nasty obsenities at her. I bet she never saw that coming.
The Rusty Trombone
This is what happens when you've got a less then respectable female (aka be-yatch) tongue deep in your chute. She wiggles her tongue as she does the reach around to pump you like a Catholic priest doing an Alter Boy, thus mimicking a trombone player.
Sandbag
Under an assumed name in a tropical region, you meet a young hottie and engage in the well known cliche of sex on the beach. Just before insertion, remove the rubber (without getting caught of course), and proceed to bang away until you blow your load, without pulling out. As you dismount and prepare for departure, grab a handful of sand, throw it in her eyes, and run away laughing hysterically while leaving her blinded, butt-necked, and knocked up. Especially lots of fun when accomplished during the spring break season.
The Screwnicorn
When a dyke puts her strap-on dildo on her forehead and proceeds to go at her partner like a crazed unicorn.
The Seatbelt
While one fag stradles his partners cock, he recieves a blow job from the fruitcake on the bottom.
Shirley Temple
Pour a can of 7-Up on a girl's menstruating pussy and eat her out.
The Shocker
When you insert your index and middle fingers in the woman's vagina and pinky in her anus. After giving her a few good minutes of double duty finger banging, pull your fingers out and give your index and middle finger a quick sniff and pinky a good sucking, all in one smooth motion.(a.k.a. Smoking the Pinky.)
Shop Vac
When a dirty, talented tramp stuffs you're entire package (balls and all) into her mouth, and blows you with amazing suction power.
Shrimping
The term for licking or sucking your partner's toes.
Skiing
While facing in the same direction, a girl gets between two guys and jerks them both off, thus imitating some hardcore cross-country action.
Slumpbuster
When a professional athlete finds the dirtiest, nastiest, fattest, most disease-ridden skank and puts the wood to her with the intent that it will break up a slump.
Snerd Nurgling
The act of moving your anal lovers turds about within his/her lower intestine with your dick. Really popular with the lavender boys, hence the expression, "Oh Lance, Nergle me you Snerd"...
Snoodling
When an uncircumcised homo pulls his extra foreskin over the cock of another homo and proceeds to jerk him off. Those gays have way too much free time. Can be used at as a great derogatory term as in, "You Snoodler!".
Snowball
Ah yes, every man's worst nightmare, the dreaded snowball. This happens when a girl blows you and spits the jizz in your mouth. Another definition is when a girl blows some other guy, and then gives you a hot sloppy kiss with some of that guy's fresh jizz still in her mouth. With all those dirty broads out there, odds are it has happened to you. Just ask your friends if it has, cause they probably already know and have been laughing their asses off at you.
The Snuff
Lovingly fuck the shit out of your virgin or raggin girlfriend and wipe your bloody member across her face. Take a couple polaroids, show them to your friends, and brag that you're a snuff film superstar.
Stranger
Sitting on your hand until it falls asleep and then jerking off. Eliciting the feeling of a hand job from someone else.
Stranger On The Rocks
Numbing your hand by sticking it in a bucket of ice and then jerking off. Spanken not stirred.
Strangers In The Night
When you and your gay buddy each numb your hand (you should know how by now) and spank each other off. Thus eliciting the feeling of a hand job from someone else, from someone else.
Stingy Nut
When a chick isn't worth fucking; pull down her pants, bend her over, and jerk off all over her ass.
Sud N' Fud
When trying to bang a girl, she gives that same old story, "I not that kind of girl.", "I don't fuck on the first date.", "I'm catholic.", "Stop asshole.", etc. etc... After hearing all this bullshit, you whip out your handy bar of soap. Then lather up her armpit (or any other joint you prefer), and proceed to fuck that instead.
Surfing
This happens when you nail a fat woman. As you watch the rippling effect of her rolls with every thrust, along with the feeling of being drenched, off balance, out of control, and in danger, you are given the sense of riding the ultimate wave.
Swimmer's Ear
When a girl is giving you a good sucking and right before you erupt, you remove yourself from her mouth, place your purple head in her ear, and fill her ear with some sweet love seed. Hopefully, you will give her an infection.
Tea Bag
To perform the tea bag, have the girl lay flat on her back. Then you squat over her with your hands on your knees, and gently dip your nut sac in and out of her mouth in a motion similar to performing some kinda fucked up yoga exercise.
3-Eyed Turtle
Basically plug every orifice of a girl in the following manner: thumb in ass, fingers in pussy, and dick in mouth.
The Tortoise
When you eat out someone who doesn't have pubic hair yet - i.e. you got there before the hair (hare) did.
Tossing Salad
A common prison act where one person basically chows asshole with the help of whatever condiments are available. (i.e. jelly, syrup, olive oil, etc.) I'm never going to prison.
Tropical Wind
When getting your asshole eaten out by a worthless tramp, you break wind.
Tuna Melt
You're down on a chick lapping away and discover that it just happens to be that time of the month. By no means do you stop though. When the whale spews tartar sauce with a hint of raspberry smothers your face.
Twisted Sister
Have your dominatrix girlfriend dress up in some hot black leather gimp wear and proceed to handcuff your hands behind your back and then force you to your knees. Unsuspecting, diminutive, and cradled over with your ass is in the air, she then gives you the most erotic enema of your life. Now that's some great S&M fun.
Vegetarian Hot Lunch
A variation of the Hot Lunch in which the diner stretches a piece of saran wrap over her mouth such that chewing (for texture) is possible, but no actual contact with waste product occurs.
Wake Up Call
Waking up in the middle of the night with the hard on of your life. You then turn to your fast asleep partner and dry fuck her ass into oblivion. The clincher to performing a wake up call is to act like nothing of the sort happened in the morning. e.g. "Sweetheart, what's that on your back?"
The Walrus
After spunking in a girls mouth, you pinch the center of her two lips together and hold her nose. This will force the cum to dribble out of the sides of her mouth, thus the teeth of the walrus.
Western Grip
When jerking off, turn your hand around, so that your thumb is facing towards you. It is the same grip that rodeo folks use, hence, western.
Westside Glaze
Same as the eastside glaze, but the majority of your jizz lands on the left side of her face.
The Woody Woodpecker
When a girl is sucking on your balls, tap your cock on her forehead.
The Zombie Mask
While getting head from your favorite, unsuspecting, trash-barrel whore, tell her you want her to look right up at you with those "pretty little eyes" when you blow your load. Then, just when you're ready to spew a good weeks worth of goo, blast that hefty load in both eyes. This temporary state of blindness will produce the zombie effect as she stumbles around the room with arms outstretched, and moaning like the walking dead.
Immediately after you blow your load in a girls mouth, smack the back of her head and make it come out her nose. When she gets up she'll look like an angry dragon.
Arabian Goggles
A "seldom-seen" maneuver when you put your testicles over her eye sockets while getting head. (Picture it: ass on forehead) It may be anatomically impossible, but what the fuck else is new.
The Bait N' Tackle
This one was used by the sailors from the old Navy days. Before you go off for a long, lonely voyage, get yourself a tall jar and fill it completely with earthworms. When you get lonely, open the jar and fuck away. The earthworms will provide some slithery stimulation, and your protein load will keep them nicely nourished. Gone fishin'!
Ballsacking
Takes some luck of the gene pool, but if you're able to do it, always great fun. While you are straddling her, take your nutsack and spread it out over her face like pizza dough.
Bear Claw
A synonym for extremely large pussy lips.
Beef Curtain
The shanked out remains of the labia after being stretched like Play-Doh from an hour or so of jimmy-jam.
Beer Dick
This is what most guys get after a good night of drinking. They tend to fuck anything with a pussy while experiencing beer dick.
Blumpy
You need to find a real tramp to do this right. It involves having her sucking you off while you are on the shitter.
The Bronco
You start by going doggy style and then just when she is really enjoying it, you grab her tits as tight as possible and yell another girls name. This gives you the feeling of riding a wild bronco as she desperately tries to buck you off.
Brown Baggin It
Sometimes you meet a girl with a body like there's no tomorrow but a face like a mangy dog. Don't let that body go to waste and let her hideousness stop you from fucking her though. Just draw the smiley face on a brown paper bag, place it over her head, and fuck away while keeping your composure and piece of mind.
Brown Necktie
You're about half-way through ass-wrecking a chick, and instead of filling up her keister with your demonseed, you pull out and proceed to tittie fuck her, leaving a brown streak between the funbags.
Brunski
When a man puts his face between a woman's breasts and quickly moves his head back and forth while saying "Brunski" in a very drawn out and exaggerated manner. (There are many other variant names.)
The Bullwinkle
The sign given to a friend in hiding while doggie stylin' some chick. It is performed by placing both hands over the head, with palms facing out and waving wildly. Can be supplemented by shouting "Hey Rocky." (Make sure to use appropriate Bullwinkle voice tone.)
Butter Face
When you see a chick with an awesome body, "but her face", is nasty.
The Canine Special
Liberally apply peanut butter to your dick and call over the family dog. Lick Ubu lick. Good Dog. Arf!
The Carpet Cleaner
While banging a girl doggy style, tie her arms behind her back, lift up her hips, and run around the room pushing her face first across the carpet. Not recommended with large women.
The Chili Dog
When you take a hot dump on a girl's tits and then proceed to titty fuck her.
Chocolate Pizza
Happily discovering hemroids while eating a shitty brown eye.
Cleveland Steamer
The act of leaving a shit stain on the rib cage of a woman while receiving penile pleasure from friction between the mammaries.
Cock-Stuffing
Apparently somewhat on the fringe in gay circles, but involves using thin, cylindrical items (thermometers, wire, rubber worms, etc.), and inserting them into the dick hole. Over many months, continue to gradually reem out the hole-at-the-head with larger items, thus ultimately allowing your "buddy" to obtain the goal of fucking your uretha. Wow!
Cold Lunch
The act of vomiting directly onto some chick's head while she's performing fellatio.
The Concoction
First, ejaculate all over the floor. Next, have your psycho bitch girlfriend menstruate on your semen. Stir it with your finger until you get a nice thick pink mixture. Proceed to paint yourselves up silly, just as if you were in kindergarden again.
The Compton Gangbang
You meet a young lady at the bar. She tells you she has a boyfriend, but she ends up going home with you anyway for a one night stand. When you take her to your place, tell your friends to wait outside your bedroom door. Just when she's about to get off, your friends barge in the room and plainly beat the shit out of her. That should teach her not to fuck around. (Ladies, feel free to perform a Compton Gangbang on guys too. I know you got some fat girlfriends to help you out.)
Cop's Delight
The act of taking a girl in the ass, pulling out, and spooing all over her "pastry buns", thus transforming her rump into the allusion of an oversized, quivering glazed donut.
The Corkscrew
Cross your fingers, middle over index. Twist your wrist back and forth and go to work on your desired orifice. With practice, you'll have the effectiveness of a dill press and within weeks you'll be able to bore through wood.
Corn
Originating from the fine campus of Cornell University, comes this unique, rarely used term. Saying that a girl is "Corn" means, she is so fucking hot, so beautiful, so utterly drop-dead gorgeous, that you would happliy eat the corn out of her shit. Can be used as a great pick-up line or friendly compliment, for instance; "Baby, you're more Corn than Green Giant", or "Damn bitch, you are Corn!"
Couch Bombing
When you fill a small ziploc sandwich bag with Crisco (or your favorite lubrication) and place it between the cushions on the couch. You then proceed to fuck the couch as if it were a woman...but no need to buy it dinner first
Coyote
This occurs when you wake up in the room of a nasty wombat and you know you've got to give her the slip. However, you realize that your arm is wrapped around her. Therefore you must gnaw off your own arm to get out of the situation. Can be very painful.
Cum Dumpster
A quadriplegic whore.
Cum Guzzling Sperm Burping Bitch
The once in a lifetime act when blowing a hot steamy load down the back of the girl's throat, proceed to give her a large cold bottle of your most favorite carbonated drink and make her guzzle it down. Then, shake her head vigorously back and forth to create the Cum Guzzling, Sperm Burping effect. A great way to impress your friends.
Daisy Chain
Partner (A) is sucking off or eating out partner (B) who is sucking off or eating out partner (C) and so on until the final person is sucking off or eating out partner (A). Partners can be gay, lesbian or straight.
Davey Crockett
A sexual maneuver in which you slip muscle relaxants into your gal's snizzpod, then slide your head in, thus wearing your partner's now-relaxed snatch-fur as a coonskin cap. Can come in handy on those cold winter nights.
Dirty Sanchez
A time honored event in which while laying the bone doggie style, you insert your finger into her asshole. You then pull it out and wipe it across her upper lip leaving a thin shit mustache. This makes her look like someone whose name is Dirty Sanchez.
Dirty Swirly
While banging a chick doggie style near a toilet (preferably one filled with a healthy load of shit, or some hot piss, or both), stick her head in the toilet and flush...she'll dig it.
Dog In A Bathtub
This is a proper name for when you attempt to insert your nuts into a girl's ass. It is so named because it can be just as hard as keeping a dog in the tub while giving it a bath.
Donkey Punch
Banging a girl doggy style and then moments before you cum, you stick your dick in her ass, and then punch her in the back of the neck. The blow to the neck will stun the muscles in the female's ass, which will constrict the penis and give you a tremendous orgasmic experience when you ejaculate.
Duct Tape Trick
Wrapping a hamster in duct tape so you can safely fuck it without the danger of a messy split.
Dutch Oven
Entrapping an unsuspecting sleeping partner in a world of ass odor by farting under the covers and pulling them over her head (and yours as well if you're into that sort of thing).
Dutch Treat
The unexpected result of a Dutch Oven gone terribly awry. Can be very messy.
DVDA
The abbreviation for "double-anal, double-vaginal". This is the term used when a girl takes four cocks in two holes. A hard core porn industry norm.
The Electric Chair
Your psychobitch girlfriend decides she wants to try something kinky, so she props your stupid naive ass up in a chair, strips you down, and ties you up. After arousing you, she then takes a car battery and clamps two jumper cables to each nut sack. This causes you to have all sorts of synapses, spasms, and convulsions. She then mounts your frankenstein and proceeds to get electrofucked. Warning! May cause erectile disfunction after performed.
Felching
A gay activity which I do not condone at all. It happens when one fag fucks another fag in the ass and then sucks the jizz out with a straw. Only included for those of you who are considering going to jail.
The Fish Eye
From behind, you shove both fists in her ass (or his if in prison). Thereupon she turns around in a one-eyed winking motion signaling that she has been there and done that.
Fish-Hook
When you pull back towards the pussy after you stick your finger up her anus.
The Fire Island
This consists of telling someone you're going to spunk on their face while they are asleep, only half-jokingly, and then when they don't believe you, doing it just to prove that you're that demented.
Flaming Amazon
This one's for all you pyromaniacs out there. When your screwing some chick, right when your about to cum, you pull out and quickly grab the nearest lighter and set her pubes on fire, then...extinguish the flames with your jizz!
Flooding The Cave
Inserting the penis into a woman's pussy and then urinating inside her. Applies to butt pirates as well.
The Flying Camel
A personal favorite. As she is lying on her back and you are hammering her from your knees. You very carefully move forward and prop yourself (without using your arms) on your dick while it is still inserted in her vagina. You then proceed to flap your arms and let out a long shrieking howl much like a flying camel. Strictly a classy move.
The Flying Dutchman
This didn't used to be a specific deviant sexual act, it was just a phrase that sounded dirty and would be shouted out during intercourse on occasion simply for the novelty factor. However, its popularity increased and it has now developed into a specific act, namely that of, just as you are about to blow a load, in any sort of sexual situation (even masturbation for those true pioneers who are constantly on the cutting edge of the sexual revolution) you begin to shout, "Here comes the Flying Dutchman!" This should confuse your sexual partner (or whoever is in hearing range) completely, sometimes causing interesting side-effects.
The Fountain Of You
While sitting on her face and having her eat your ass, jerk off like a madman. Build up as much pressure as possible before you release and spew like a venerable geyser all over her face, neck and tits. (Better in her bed
Furr Ball
You're chomping away at some mighty trollop who has a mane between her legs the size of Lionel Richie's afro, a mammoth hair ball gets lodged into your throat.
Gobstopper
With two hands, spread your tramp's anus open, then spit a big-ass loogie down the arsehole then close it back up. You can give her a smack on the ass when you're done, if you want.
Golden Shower
Any form of dropping piss all over your partner. Great for those who like watersports.
Greek
The act of using your "glue stick" (if you know what I'm saying) and gluing your gal's eyes closed with your man seed. e.g. "Hey guys, check it out, I just greeked her!" or "Sorry honey, but you asked for the greek salad
Ham And Cheese Sandwich
Eating a woman's box after you ejaculate all over it. A delightful, tasty combination of her yummy meat curtains with your added cheesy topping is sure to appeal to anyone's appetite.
Hershey Highway
When pluggin your girl in the ass, you run into some hot diarrhea. Don't hurt her feelings by getting grossed out though, just pretend it's extra lube.
High Dive
The skill of pulling your johnson all the way out of your partner's hole, and in one motion jamming it home again. Best suited for use in the corn hole, but can be very dangerous.
The Hindenburg
When some slut who is so bad at oral sex, you're forced to cry "Oh! The humanity!" as her teeth scrape your mantool.
Hogging
While intoxicated, high, or just plain deperate, you go searching for the fattest bitch you can find and proceed to ride her like a Harley. Best accomplished with large groups friends.
Hole In One
The act of sticking your dick in your own ass. Just try not to get a huge boner once it's in, or you'll get a nice snapparoo.
Hotdog In A Hallway
When laying the pipe, you realize your dick isn't even touching the walls of her vagina, kinda like tossing a hotdog in a hallway. Most frequently happens when banging the neighborhood trick or if you're slinging a small dick.
Hot Karl
The act in which a woman sucks the cock of the same man who moments earlier was balls deep in her can.
Hot Karl Candy Cane
A variation of the above in which the man who is receiving the oral cock cleaning gives the woman a reach around.
Hot Lunch
The result of defecating a tube of shit directly into a girl's mouth.
Hummer
The well known added variation to a blow job in which a broad hums her favorite tune while she sucks away. The vibrations felt against your dick will most definitely produce a healthy orgasm.
The Hunter Gatherer
You and your partner defecate while 69ing. Pretty much self-explanatory.
The Indian Cock Burn
While a chick sucks you off, she twists her hand around your shaft as if she was trying to give you an indian burn.
The Jedi Mind Trick
When banging your partner, you repeatedly shout "I'm NOT fucking you, I'm NOT fucking you".
The Jelly Donut
Give some skank a facial and follow it up with a swift pimp crack in the nose. The resulting blood and jizz that covers her face bears a resemblance to a jelly donut.
The Juanita Special Bean Dip
While your tramp rides you like a mechincal bull, insert your thumb into her poop chute (be sure to get your thumb nice and gooey), then stick your brown thumb into her mouth, and slip it under her tounge so she can get the full robust taste of the Juanita "special" bean dip.
Kennebunkport Surprise
The act of covertly filling your cheeks with chunky-style New England clam chowder, and screaming in disgust as you hurl it between your partners legs while eating her out.
Kick-Fucking
The act of recieving sexual pleasure from repeatedly getting kicked in the ass.
The Landshark
The woman braces herself facing a wall, naked, hands against the wall, legs spread, bent over so that her ass is lusciously jutting out. (hint: She might want to wear a biking helmet and some rollerblading wrist guards to avoid serious injury.) Next, the guy also naked as well as stiff cocked, walks to the opposite end of the room, places his palms together and raises them above his head, (thus imitating the dorsal fin of a shark) and begins chanting the theme to JAWS. When given some predetermined signal, the guy sprints toward the girl at full speed with his pelvis-out, fin protruding, and rams her dead square in the ass.
The Lorena Bobbit
Obviously, this one is for the ladies. When engaging in some hard core boodie sex, squeeze your butt cheeks together as tight as you can, and start violently jumping and thrashing your ass around, in an effort to rip his dick off. (To reach true Lorena status, you must take the severed dick for a drive and then toss it out the window.)
The Menthol
The act of getting head from a woman who just moments earlier ate a numerous amounts of cough drops, thus insuring a pleasureable, tingly feeling on your cock.
The Mellon Dive
Headbutting a woman's big fat tities. Always lots of fun.
Monkey Wrench
When some sadistic bitch takes your dick back between your legs and sucks you off.
Monroe Transfer
When you and your partner connect each other's assholes with a tube. One defecates through the tube, thus transferring the turds to the rectum of the other.
The Moped
A chick thats a fun ride until your friends see you on it, if you know what I mean.
Morking
Made famous by Robin Williams on Mork & Mindy, stick your pinky and ring fingers up a girls ass, then jam your middle and index fingers up her cunt. (Please note: Not complete until you finish it off with a Nanoo-Nanoo!)
Moses
A man who enjoys going down on a woman during her period. Derived from the Biblical figure Moses, who parted the Red Sea.
The Motorboat
While performing oral sex on a girl, flap your lips together on her clit, thus imitating the sound of a motorboat. She'll love you forever.
Muff Teaser
Finger, suck, eat, etc. a girl until she is begging for it. Then rub your stiffy round her golden valley until she screams at you to give her a banging. Right when her frustration is at its highest level, stop and finish with a DIY(do it yourself) handjob. Then leave the room without saying a word. Not to be tried if you want to shack up with the selfish bint again.
The Mung
Obtain a female that has been dead for 2-3 days (the time period since death is important). Then place your mouth just outside her vaginal opening. Have a friend jump on her stomach, and try to catch as much stuff that comes out as you can in your mouth.
Mushy Biscuit
This is actually a very fun game. Just choose a piece of food that you and your male friends like to eat. Then you and your buddies form a tight circle around the food item and proceed to jerk off all over it. Last one to bust a nut gets the prize of eating the food.
New Jersey Meat-Hook
The unusual method of inserting one's finger in the ass of your partner while screwing her, and feeling her cervix. This procedure is most effective from behind.
New York Style Taco
Anytime when you are so drunk that when you go down, you barf on her box. Happy trails.
The Nixon
A variation of the Bullwinkle in which you give two peace signs as your signal of dominance. May enhance the act by shaking jowls and yelling "I'm not a crook". This is considered very bold and is frowned upon for those with a modicum of decorum.
Oyster
A derivation of the tea bag which is accomplished by numbing one's testicles with ice and then inserting them in a chicks mouth and letting the tramp munch on them.
Pasadena Mudslide
This happens when you leave a windy shit between the breasts of a woman while you straddle her neck for a blow job. (A close cousin to the Cleveland Steamer.)
Pattycake
While you're nailing some girl doggie style and your friend is catching some head off the same girl, you get a quick game of pattycake going. This makes you reminisce of your childhood memories and eases the sight of watching your friend blow his load.
Paying The Rent
A position in which the woman is folded in half, knees above shoulders, while the man holds the balk of her calves and bangs ferociously.
Peanut Butter And Jelly Sandwich
Shit on a woman's snatch during menstruation. Proceed to munch. Mmmm Mmmm Nasty! (Crunchy or smooth...depending on what you've been eating.)
Pearl Necklace
Well known. Whenever you cum on the neck/cleavage area of a girl - it takes on the look of beautiful jewelry. Fuck that diamonds are forever shit.
The Pig Roast
While you're pluggin some girl's hole doggie style, (up the dirt road or the funhole, pick your poison) she's blowing your best friend's cock at the same time, hence simulating a pig on a spit. Very Similar to Chinese Finger Cuffs.
Pink Glove
Hate when this happens. Every so often a girl is not wet enough during sex. When you finally pull out to give her money, the inside of her twat sticks to your hog. Thus, the pink glove.
The Pirate's Treasure
While fucking your girl in the ass, you strike a hefty load of shit. After you've found this buried treasure deep in her booty, you scream, "Argh!", like a pirate.
Plating
Take a clear, glass plate and place it on your partners face, then shit on it. It gives them a nice view without all the messy cleanup. How come you don't see that on any Dawn commercials.
The Popcorn Trick
First, take your girlfriend to the cinemas, for a nice romantic date. Buy a tub of popcorn, wait until the lights dim, and carefully make a hole in the bottom on the tub. Then, inconspicuously insert your penis through the bottom of the tub into the popcorn and casually offer some to your bitch. When she digs in, she will find nice surprise. Who doesn't love buttered popcorn?
Puerto Rican Fog Bank
While 69ing with your partner, release a cloud of sphinctor fog directly into her nostrils.
Purple Mushroom
This occurs when a woman is giving you oral sex and you withdraw your penis in order to poke it back into her cheek. It should leave a lasting impression similar to a purple mushroom.
Queef
A well known, but sometimes embarassing occurance. Queefing happens when air gets trapped in a girls vagina, and makes a soft hissing, or farting kind of a sound while that air is released.
The Ram
When attacking from behind, you start ramming her head against the wall in a rhythmic motion. The force of the wall should allow for deeper penetration. Very handy in those lulls in penile sensitivity.
Rear Admiral
An absolute blast. When getting a chick from behind (while both partners standing), make sure you don't let her grab on to anything when she is bent over. Then, drive you hips into her backside so that you end up pushing her forwards. The goal is to push her into a wall or table. It's almost as much fun watch her face hit the floor. You rise to Admiral status when you can bang her around the room without crashing into anything and not using your hands to grab onto her hips
Red Wings
Another name for navigating the moose knuckle with your tongue while discovering the girl is on her rag. Be a real man and earn your red wings soldier!
Resusitation
When a girl is asleep, carefully open her mouth so that she doesn't awake. Then, squat over her face and carefully place your shit hole on her lips. When the time is right, you let rip the biggest baddest fart ever known to man andsee if it wakes her up. Great fun during those long sleepless nights.
The Roddy Piper
When getting your girl from behind, you toss the sleeper hold on her and knock her out a'la Rowdy Roddy Piper. While nailing your unconscious victim, you get to simulate your life long dream of necrophilia. Now you never have to break into the morgue again.
The Rodeo
Similar to the Bronco. You start once again, banging a chick from behind. At a pre-arranged time you grab her hair with one hand just as several buddies bust into the room. See if you can hang on for 8 seconds cowboy. Yee Haw!
The Rose Creeper
Seductively brush a beautiful longstem red rose against your sweethearts neck, breasts, and inner thigh. Slowly rub the rose along her smooth skin as you tenderly kiss her entire body. After working her into the mood for some deep love making, unzip your fly and pull out your raging boner. Begin to punish-fuck her dumper while whipping her with the rose and screaming nasty obsenities at her. I bet she never saw that coming.
The Rusty Trombone
This is what happens when you've got a less then respectable female (aka be-yatch) tongue deep in your chute. She wiggles her tongue as she does the reach around to pump you like a Catholic priest doing an Alter Boy, thus mimicking a trombone player.
Sandbag
Under an assumed name in a tropical region, you meet a young hottie and engage in the well known cliche of sex on the beach. Just before insertion, remove the rubber (without getting caught of course), and proceed to bang away until you blow your load, without pulling out. As you dismount and prepare for departure, grab a handful of sand, throw it in her eyes, and run away laughing hysterically while leaving her blinded, butt-necked, and knocked up. Especially lots of fun when accomplished during the spring break season.
The Screwnicorn
When a dyke puts her strap-on dildo on her forehead and proceeds to go at her partner like a crazed unicorn.
The Seatbelt
While one fag stradles his partners cock, he recieves a blow job from the fruitcake on the bottom.
Shirley Temple
Pour a can of 7-Up on a girl's menstruating pussy and eat her out.
The Shocker
When you insert your index and middle fingers in the woman's vagina and pinky in her anus. After giving her a few good minutes of double duty finger banging, pull your fingers out and give your index and middle finger a quick sniff and pinky a good sucking, all in one smooth motion.(a.k.a. Smoking the Pinky.)
Shop Vac
When a dirty, talented tramp stuffs you're entire package (balls and all) into her mouth, and blows you with amazing suction power.
Shrimping
The term for licking or sucking your partner's toes.
Skiing
While facing in the same direction, a girl gets between two guys and jerks them both off, thus imitating some hardcore cross-country action.
Slumpbuster
When a professional athlete finds the dirtiest, nastiest, fattest, most disease-ridden skank and puts the wood to her with the intent that it will break up a slump.
Snerd Nurgling
The act of moving your anal lovers turds about within his/her lower intestine with your dick. Really popular with the lavender boys, hence the expression, "Oh Lance, Nergle me you Snerd"...
Snoodling
When an uncircumcised homo pulls his extra foreskin over the cock of another homo and proceeds to jerk him off. Those gays have way too much free time. Can be used at as a great derogatory term as in, "You Snoodler!".
Snowball
Ah yes, every man's worst nightmare, the dreaded snowball. This happens when a girl blows you and spits the jizz in your mouth. Another definition is when a girl blows some other guy, and then gives you a hot sloppy kiss with some of that guy's fresh jizz still in her mouth. With all those dirty broads out there, odds are it has happened to you. Just ask your friends if it has, cause they probably already know and have been laughing their asses off at you.
The Snuff
Lovingly fuck the shit out of your virgin or raggin girlfriend and wipe your bloody member across her face. Take a couple polaroids, show them to your friends, and brag that you're a snuff film superstar.
Stranger
Sitting on your hand until it falls asleep and then jerking off. Eliciting the feeling of a hand job from someone else.
Stranger On The Rocks
Numbing your hand by sticking it in a bucket of ice and then jerking off. Spanken not stirred.
Strangers In The Night
When you and your gay buddy each numb your hand (you should know how by now) and spank each other off. Thus eliciting the feeling of a hand job from someone else, from someone else.
Stingy Nut
When a chick isn't worth fucking; pull down her pants, bend her over, and jerk off all over her ass.
Sud N' Fud
When trying to bang a girl, she gives that same old story, "I not that kind of girl.", "I don't fuck on the first date.", "I'm catholic.", "Stop asshole.", etc. etc... After hearing all this bullshit, you whip out your handy bar of soap. Then lather up her armpit (or any other joint you prefer), and proceed to fuck that instead.
Surfing
This happens when you nail a fat woman. As you watch the rippling effect of her rolls with every thrust, along with the feeling of being drenched, off balance, out of control, and in danger, you are given the sense of riding the ultimate wave.
Swimmer's Ear
When a girl is giving you a good sucking and right before you erupt, you remove yourself from her mouth, place your purple head in her ear, and fill her ear with some sweet love seed. Hopefully, you will give her an infection.
Tea Bag
To perform the tea bag, have the girl lay flat on her back. Then you squat over her with your hands on your knees, and gently dip your nut sac in and out of her mouth in a motion similar to performing some kinda fucked up yoga exercise.
3-Eyed Turtle
Basically plug every orifice of a girl in the following manner: thumb in ass, fingers in pussy, and dick in mouth.
The Tortoise
When you eat out someone who doesn't have pubic hair yet - i.e. you got there before the hair (hare) did.
Tossing Salad
A common prison act where one person basically chows asshole with the help of whatever condiments are available. (i.e. jelly, syrup, olive oil, etc.) I'm never going to prison.
Tropical Wind
When getting your asshole eaten out by a worthless tramp, you break wind.
Tuna Melt
You're down on a chick lapping away and discover that it just happens to be that time of the month. By no means do you stop though. When the whale spews tartar sauce with a hint of raspberry smothers your face.
Twisted Sister
Have your dominatrix girlfriend dress up in some hot black leather gimp wear and proceed to handcuff your hands behind your back and then force you to your knees. Unsuspecting, diminutive, and cradled over with your ass is in the air, she then gives you the most erotic enema of your life. Now that's some great S&M fun.
Vegetarian Hot Lunch
A variation of the Hot Lunch in which the diner stretches a piece of saran wrap over her mouth such that chewing (for texture) is possible, but no actual contact with waste product occurs.
Wake Up Call
Waking up in the middle of the night with the hard on of your life. You then turn to your fast asleep partner and dry fuck her ass into oblivion. The clincher to performing a wake up call is to act like nothing of the sort happened in the morning. e.g. "Sweetheart, what's that on your back?"
The Walrus
After spunking in a girls mouth, you pinch the center of her two lips together and hold her nose. This will force the cum to dribble out of the sides of her mouth, thus the teeth of the walrus.
Western Grip
When jerking off, turn your hand around, so that your thumb is facing towards you. It is the same grip that rodeo folks use, hence, western.
Westside Glaze
Same as the eastside glaze, but the majority of your jizz lands on the left side of her face.
The Woody Woodpecker
When a girl is sucking on your balls, tap your cock on her forehead.
The Zombie Mask
While getting head from your favorite, unsuspecting, trash-barrel whore, tell her you want her to look right up at you with those "pretty little eyes" when you blow your load. Then, just when you're ready to spew a good weeks worth of goo, blast that hefty load in both eyes. This temporary state of blindness will produce the zombie effect as she stumbles around the room with arms outstretched, and moaning like the walking dead.
Few More Indian Humour
1. SSC + HSC + BCOM + MBA = UNEMPLYOMENT
2. An Idea + An Idiot = A Dot com.
4. Sushmita Sen - 1.2 feet = Salman Khan.
5. Special Effects in Shampoo ads = Special effects in Jurassic park.
6. 4 weeks in Switzerland + London + New Zealand + Canada = a 4
minute song in Hindi movie.
7. Ajay Devgan + cosmetic surgery + acting ability + personality +
own production company = Kajol
8. Rona dhona x Bewafai x Badle ki aag = Your mum's favourite serials.
9. Amitabh Bachchan - Mrityudaata + Kaun Banega Crorepati = A SUPERSTAR.
10. Amitabh Bachchan + Jaya Bachchan - Talent = Abhishek Bachchan
11. Any actor + Any actress + many movies = David Dhawan
12. 1 smile + 32 teeth = Govinda
13. 1 person - shirt = Salman Khan
14. 1 person + straight hair + un-straight walk = Sanjay Dutt
15. 1 hand + 10 kg weight = Sunny Deol
16. One engagement + Two weddings + Three wedding songs + Four
hundred Relatives + A house bigger than Buckingham Palace =
One sooraj Barjataya Film
**********
& the winner is .........
One S/W engineer + No work = Many forwards...........!!!!
Whatever you do - don't go to this hospital
1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with B
only a 40 Kg weight gain in the past three days.
5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
very hot in bed last night.
6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
7. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
disappeared.
8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She al so appears to be
depressed.
9.The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
10. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until
she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
Some Amazing Pics - These Happen Only in India
This Happens only in China
This happens only in Miami
Japan
Best Quotes
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
~ Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
~ Lynn Lavner
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
~ Camille Paglia
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
~ George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
~ Sharon Stone
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
~ Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
~ Jack Nicholson
" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
~ Robin Williams
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
~ Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
~ Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
~ Dustin Hoffman
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
~ Robin Williams
"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
~ Steve Martin
" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
~ Elmo Phillips
" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
~ George Burns
50 Top Newspaper Headlines
-------------------------------------------------------------
1.Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2.Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3.Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4.Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5.Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6.Farmer Bill Dies in House
7.Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8.Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
9.Stud Tires Out
10.Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11.Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
12.Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
13.British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
14.Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
15.Eye Drops off Shelf
16.Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17.Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18.Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19.Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20.Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
21.Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
22.Miners Refuse to Work after Death
23.Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
24.Stolen Painting Found by Tree
25.Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26.Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
27.Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
28.Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
29.Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
30.War Dims Hope for Peace
31.If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32.Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
33.Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
34.Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
35.Deer Kill 17,000
36.Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37.Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38.New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
39.Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
40.Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41.Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
42.Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
43.British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
44.Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45.Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46.Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
47.New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48.Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49.Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
50.Air Head Fired
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